PSU AOTI according to Steve
by Sickofwriting
Summary: Why does the main character in PSU AOTI never say anything ever? The reason is explained here- he simply has nothing nice to say. Rated for swearing.


**Ore-Sama: Today, I cover the story of the main character in PSU AOTI, which is one of the gayest games I have ever played, and I use the word gay quite literally. It is beat out by the yaoi visual novels that I've played, but only barely. I swear, all male characters in that game are gay, male lesbians, or n00bs. So, I will be adding in two other characters as well- the main character's best friend, and the main character's boyfriend. And I'm gay so I'm allowed to make gay jokes! *Hides behind shield* Also, I'll probably update this one weekly. This is intended for people who already played through the game, so I'm not going to type everything that they say in the story.**

**Warning: Parody, swearing, gay jokes, and non-explicit yaoi. If you are offended by any of the above, go away. If you are not offended by these things, then continue on!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own PSU. Sega does. I do own Steve! He is mine! All mine! I do not own Pokemon either.**

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Chapter 1- The masked Girl

After doing enough missions to make myself as fabulous as possible, I walked up to the mission center to talk with the coughsluttycough woman who gave out missions. Seriously, is she supposed to be a slut or a clerk? She probably just became a clerk because her boobs are really tiny. I mean, she's flat as a board! Isn't this supposed to be a Japanese game? And why the hell is her bra so pixelized!?  
"You're the trainee, aren't you?" She started, but I tuned out everything she said. Then a Beast woman walked over, and holy shit, she makes this clerk chick's clothing look subtle! I mean, she's wearing a freaking bra over an open coat! What kind of clothing is that for a woman who is supposed to be protecting the fucking solar system? And she doesn't even have the boobs to pull off the look. Seriously, this is ridiculous! At least her bra isn't pixelized... I ignored most of what she said, bowing when it was appropriate.

We left for Neudaiz, a planet inhabited mostly by the Neumans, otherwise known as the gayest race in the entire fracking galaxy! I mean, have you seen their men? Sure, some of them aren't overly fabulous, but there are always those kinds of people around. They're nothing to build a generalization on. We talked to some ancient midget, then we finally got around to the field. We ran into some SEED, and I charged straight in, brandishing my prized duel swords, which I fully intend to replace after my next clothes shopping trip. Then that dumb bitch just stood there, until she finally decided to join in on the fight, sweeping her glaive around and killing the SEED monsters. Seriously, she's almost useless. Almost. I scanned SEED infected plants, wondering... If we have to kill all of the SEED monsters, then why the fuck are we leaving the plants? That seems somewhat idiotic. Then again, this is a group that hired a woman who doesn't even have the decency to cover herself up properly in a friggin' combat situation, so I don't have much hope for this organization. Why did I join then, you may ask. Because shut up, that's why. Fnord.

After we finished scanning the plants, we found a elf- that is, a Neuman wearing some weird mask. Apparently, she's a member of the communion of Gurhal, and if I remove her mask, I become a blasphemer. Wonderful. At least this chick has the decency to cover herself up properly. She apparently has nothing to say, which is good, because I'm ignoring everything anyone says. Suddenly, some butt-ugly rogues come and demand that we give them the girl. Let's see, there are two bears and one extremely ugly Neuman midget who seems to have an obsession with pink. They make some comments on how horrible Beast women are, and I can only think about how they probably aren't into women of any race. I quickly purge the thought of anything of that sort with those disgusting creeps. Miss Laia and I proceed to beat the shit out of the losers (Though I'M the one doing most of the beating, as per usual. I really hope she's doing all of that standing to the side as an attempt to help me with my training or some bullshit like that.) She then forces them to proclaim that Beast women are the best 100 times. Confidence issues much?

We continue to head for base when suddenly, we get attacked by a drag- erm, that is Zoalgoug. We get that Neuman chick to hide, and please note that I didn't say safety. Am I the only one who foresees that she's going to be kidnapped? I mean, seriously! It's like an episode of fracking Pokemon or something in how utterly obvious it is that she's going to get kidnapped. I defeat the zoalgoug with very little help from Miss "Beast women are the best". I mean, the biggest difference between these women is their fucking EARS! Besides, saying that Beast women are the best seems somewhat degrading to women who aren't members of the Beast race. Regardless, she spends most of the fight running in circles and just being generally useless. It's like she WANTS for that other chick to get kidnapped! If she's any indication, Beast women are in no way the best.

After we deal with that zoalgoug, we check that girl's hiding place and surprise surprise *gasp* she's gone! We head on a wild chase to catch up with the rogues who captured her, with a certain dumbass triggering as many traps as she could. When we finally catch up to the rogues, they send a bunch of robots at us that explode when you kill them. A certain amount of time elapses between their death and when they explode, but guess who is too damned slow to avoid the explosions!? Laia motherfucking Martinez, that's who. She's like Gary motherfucking Oak, trying to fuck up a perfectly good day because shut up. We eventually kill all of the robots, and catch up to the rogues. Laia interrogates them, making death threats on top of everything. Soldier of justice my ass. We then run into this Ethan Waber guy who seems to be the center of this entire universe. Laia proceeds to declare attack on him (dumb bitch), but I know better. I hightail out of there as fast as I can, but Ethan and his lolicon companion Liina decide to pursue ME instead of Laia! I mean, she's the one who wants the guy dead! I just want to go home at the end of the day and be with my boyfriend. I could care less about the life of some redhead. (Although I would like hair like his. I really love the color of his hair, it's very pretty) Eventually that Neuman chick gets Ethan to stop trying to fucking murder me (I'm too fabulous to die, goddammit!), and he runs away.

Miss Useless and I bring the girl to the Pavilion of something or another, and we talk with some guy who reminds me of that dude from Hikaru no Go. Sai, I think his name was. The biggest difference is that this one doesn't wear as much make-up. Oh look, that Neuman girl turned out to be the Divine Maiden, some chick who's always sick thanks to her magical ability to see the potential future because (I know I say this too often, but it's the only reasonable explanation) shut up. We head back to the colony, and Laia gives me a card that allows me to team up with her whenever I want. I'll totally be using that. Not. I don't want to be around that annoying brainless slut more than I have to, which I have this strange feeling that I'll be spending lots and lots of time with her. If I didn't have such a happy life outside of my work, I think I'd off myself just to get away from this madness. Whelp, I'm off to go make myself more fabulous.

END OF ENTRY

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**Ore-Sama: My idea is that the reason that the main character in this story never says anything because he/she has nothing nice to say. I'm obviously not this critical of the game, otherwise I would've spent today writing more Yugioh fanfiction. I just felt like being overly sarcastic, so I decided to make a parody of PSU AOTI. I feel so much better now. Please review! You know that you want to!**


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